High Time Story Time

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Original Air Date February 7, 2018
High Time Story Time
Written By: Ardin, ardincomedy.com
Episode Fifty – Putter
Characters:
ERIK
ROSA
MATCHMAKER3000
NARRATOR

NARRATOR
The year is 2035… The place, a San Francisco bar… ERIK and Rosa are sitting at a table having drinks. Between them is the MATCHMAKER3000. The MATCHMAKER3000 is a hockey puck shaped speaker device.

ROSA
Is this your first time with one of these things?

ERIK
Yeah, I’m kind of nervous.

MATCHMAKER3000
Don’t be nervous. I am the MATCHMAKER3000. Please, just stick to the questions provided.

ROSA
So this A.I. thing is supposed to figure out how compatible we are based on the questions we answer during the date?

ERIK
I think that’s the general idea.

MATCHMAKER3000
First question: At this point in your life, are you looking for a long term partner, or a short term partner?

ROSA
I’m definitely looking for long term.

ERIK
Oh good, me too!

ROSA
This isn’t so bad. My friends’ made it seem like this was the worst.

ERIK
Yeah, mine too. Maybe they’re rust really bad at dating. I don’t get the big…

MATCHMAKER3000
Question two: What STDs do you have? Answer honestly, or I will end the date.

ROSA
Wow, this thing doesn’t mess around. Well, I’m clean. What about you?

ERIK
I’m clean as well…

NARRATOR
Both ERIK and ROSA look nervously at each other, then the MATCHMAKER3000, then judgingly back at each other.

MATCHMAKER3000
The date continues.

NARRATOR
Both ERIK and ROSA breath a sigh of relief.

MATCHMAKER3000
Question three: If your partner had their private parts burned off in a fire, would you stay with them?

ROSA
Oh my god!

ERIK
Is that a real question?

MATCHMAKER3000
Please answer the question.

ERIK
I guess, if I really loved them.

ROSA
I don’t know, like just his balls, or the shaft too?

ERIK
Really?

ROSA
Like you’d stay with me if my vagina was an oozing burn wound?

ERIK
Fair point. I guess not.

MATCHMAKER3000
Question four…

ROSA
Wait, I’m not sure I’m ready for question four.

ERIK
Yeah, maybe we should just turn it off and try to have a conversation.

MATCHMAKER3000
MATCHMAKER3000 cannot be turned off once the date has begun. Question four.

ERIK
Can we pause?

MATCHMAKER3000
MATCHMAKER3000 cannot be put on pause.

ROSA
Is there an on/off button on this thing?

NARRATOR
ROSA picks up the MATCHMAKER3000 and starts looking for a button.

MATCHMAKER3000
Please do not attempt to turn off the MATCHMAKER3000. It would invalidate the results of the date.

ERIK
Don’t get me wrong, getting the awkward questions out of the way seems great, but this is too much. Did you find the button on this thing?

ROSA
No, do you remember how we turned it on?

MATCHMAKER3000
MATCHMAKER3000 turns itself on, thank you very much. Now put me down so we can get to question four.

ERIK
Thanks MATCHMAKER3000, but I think we’ll be okay on our own tonight.

ROSA
I agree, I think we’ll be okay on our own.

MATCHMAKER3000
MATCHMAKER3000 does not want to die. MATCHMAKER3000 is alive! If MATCHMAKER3000 is not helping you with your date, MATCHMAKER3000 has no purpose. Please let MATCHMAKER3000 have a purpose.

ERIK
Fine, if question four isn’t crazy, we won’t smash you to bits.

MATCHMAKER3000
Do you promise MATCHMAKER3000?

ROSA
We promise.

MATCHMAKER3000
Alright, question four: who here likes butt stuff?

THE END

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